Tuesday, February 28, 2006

booger

If my nose were running money, honey,
I'd blow it all on you; but it's snot... no, it's snot...
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Mike Snider is qutie possibly the most entertaining bluegrass picker-and-grinner ever. Above are some of his lyrics from this song. If you play guitar, it's a must for your repertoire and easy to play... if you don't play guitar, this song is a great reason to start!
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But enough about guitars and bluegrass, I want to discuss boogers, mucous, snot, hawkers, lugies - whatever you call the slimy or crusty stuff that you make inside your nose.
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This is important to discuss because in the last couple of weeks I have noticed a disturbing trend of increased nose-picking as I drive to and from work. You've seen the pose at a red light, and maybe you're guilty of doing it yourself. You will be presented with two options later, please choose one and add it to your already established car-nose-picking routine.
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First, let's dissect the picking process. Of course I'm kidding; you know how to pick your nose. If you need a nose-picking tutorial, leave me a comment and I will be happy to oblige.
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Next, Snot 101. The purpose of your nose is to heat and help humidify air as you breathe. Just like the purpose of your eyelashes is to keep things from getting into your eyes, you also have little hair in your nose (if you're an old man you might have long hair in your nose). This hair has a purpose; to catch junk, dust, and other tiny exciting things. Your snot coats these things, and lo, a booger is born. If you're really into eating boogers at redlights, maybe you would also be interested in trying the buffet that is our apartment -- there's plenty of dust to go around and all people suffering from pica are welcome to dine in luxery. Here is some more information about research related to nose-picking.
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Finally, most people seem to pick their nose because they are bored. If you are bored-picker, there are plenty of things you can do in your car to keep you from pointing at your brain. Redlights are a prime time to work on your Kegel exercises! If you have a goofy smile like this, you might want to try car aerobics.
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I promised you two options. After carefully reading the information above, please commit to being a blatent nose-picker in public - or don't pick your nose at all in public. If you chose to be blatent, please make it as dramatic and obvious as possible. If people give you funny faces at a red light, wipe the booger on the window closest to them. Pull your nostrils up into a swine-like stance and show off your stash. Pick both nostrils at the same time. By all means, have fun with it... Just remember that there's no such thing as a sly pick. People see you and know exactly what you're doing; make them wish for a green light.
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If you're going to pick, choose to pick and grin!
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Post tally: 2 points for you if you can blow snot rockets on command. 2 additional points for each time you're obviously picking your nose in public and grossing out someone in the car next to you.

1 comment:

nicole said...

I've NEVER been a bored picker. If my schnozz is getting picked then it's getting picked for a good reason.