Wednesday, August 31, 2005

more on Katrina-

I'm feeling some guilt today. When The Hater and I moved to Oklahoma I searched for more information about the Oklahoma Medical Reserve Corp. It's a group of medical-people who deploy from Oklahoma to national disasters as needed. I ended up sending them my information, but not going to the introduction meeting because it was a drive away. And I was new to the whole "just take the turnpike" thing. And new to the Oklahoma thing. And I was worried about getting lost and asking for directions. (This was in the days before I had a cell phone and became a "city girl".)

I told The Hater this morning that if I had been part of the MRC, I would have already been called to come help. ... And this evening I'm checking my junk mail before I delete it, and they've called me anyway in a letter to available doctors and nurses.

If I was still at the other job, I'd have all kinds of PTO I could use to take time off and go help. But I've not even been paid yet at the new job, much less acrued hours to leave work. So I e-mailed her and said I would be able to take a long weekend, if needed. We'll just have to see.

And then within twenty minutes, she replied that I'd be put on the list. And she didn't know yet when they would start sending medical help.

But from the pictures I've seen on CNN, I'm thinking they're not ready for medical help yet. It looks like they're still in the saving people and draining water stages. And I'm wondering why I've not seen some good-ole-boys in their fishing boats pulling people off of their roofs. The Hater says that he heard on NPR that people are doing just that. So kudos for them. Keep on keeping on.

So I don't really know anything else other than that I'm on a list.

The Middle Tennessee MRC and University of Tennessee Knoxville MRC are no doubt looking for nurses and doctors, too. So if you're feeling that Volunteer call, those places would probably like to hear from you.

Gas is up to $2.97 a gallon. I'm glad that I filled-up yesterday. Super glad. And today The Hater and I discussed possible future carpooling. If it continues to rise, we'll be going dutch soon. I'll try to find Harrison a nice shady spot. I wonder what kind of mileage a moped gets in the city.

Tuesday, August 30, 2005

Where's the beef?

Harrison (my sexy farm truck) and I stopped by Sams today after work to fill up gas. Much to our surprise, it was $2.64 per gallon. That's with my 5 cent Sams Club discount, mind you. Wow. Yesterday it was $2.50 per gallon.

The Hater says that Jimmy Carter was crucified for gas prices this high. Someone please complain.

Does anybody remember when Clinton was in office and gas prices were75 cents a gallon? I do. I was student teaching in metro Nashville and Harrison could fill-up on $7.00. That was the spring and fall of 1999. Oh, the good ole days when the biggest scandal facing the country was the President getting a blow job on the side.

And now the US soldier casualties in Iraq are above 1800. Great job, Georgie! We're almost even with the innocent lives lost in 9/11! Thanks for securing our oil.

Oh, wait. The oil prices have continued to rise. We could probably ask King George what the war was really about, but he probably doesn't know, either. (Who remembers the dreaded WMDs?)

But I digress.

Sister says that gas in LBG is $2.62 per gallon. And sources there say that it's gone up 14 cents since yesterday. But there's price wars in LBG -- with 20 cents less at Sugar and Spice than at Springer Road. So tank up next to the pyramid.

And if you're sick of gas prices being through the roof, you can e-mail White House staff at this link. Or you can e-mail the Dick direct at . I'm sure he'd be tickled to hear from all of his constituents.

Monday, August 29, 2005

Hurricaine Katrina Woes

Want to know what you can do to help the American Red Cross clean up after Katrina? Go to this link to find out.

If you're thinking of giving blood, wait a week until after they start begging for donors. The shelf-life for a unit of blood isn't really long, and if you wait, it'll give a longer time-supply for the agencies that need it. (That's why you'll hear them beg again a month after the masses give after a natural disaster.)

The tornadoes are on their way. So if you live where they're calling them, keep your shoes and flashlight close. Practice your plan and follow through.

Otherwise, try to stay dry. We're thinking about you!

Friday, August 26, 2005

Dear Phil Fulmer,


We are the biggest UT Vol fans in Uglyhoma, and we're really excited about the new season starting. The Hater has already gotten out his orange and white polo to wear to work on game days. And as I've mentioned earlier, my Vols scrubs are never out of style.

Please let the team know that they have fanatics cheering for them in the black heart of Uglyhoma. Big fans that yell at the tv every time a referee makes the wrong call. Fans that sing Rocky Top around stupid OU fans. Fans that throw their own yellow hankies when we want to see more penalties. We're serious fans. Super-nova fans.

Thanks for being such a great recruiter. You've been phenomanal bringing the talent to Knoxville. We're especially fond of Dante Stallworth, Eric Ange, Cedric Houston, Jamal Lewis, Leonard Little, Peyton Manning, and COUNTLESS others. You've recruited THE team to beat, which makes games so very exciting to watch.

Yet we're also concerned fans.

We've got big hopes for the Offensive Coordinator this year. Please help him to call the right plays during tense game-times. Plus there's the whole Florida, then LSU back-to-back games -- please keep the boys motivated for those two biggies. (Florida is self-explainatory. Every true Vol fan hates Florida. And although we don't have anything against LSU, a loss that early in the season would be tragic.)

(We're not complete LSU-haters because they crushed Oklahoma's National Championship dream two years ago, and we always support the teams that beat Uglyhoma.)

And see if you can do something about the damn high bookstore prices. The Big Orange Screw is bad PR, (so says the Vol Abroad).

Hugs and Kisses-
The Uglyhoma Fans

PS: Remember when you ratted on Alabama for violating NCAA rules a couple of years ago and got them put on probation? That was really cool, says The Hater. The Hater hates Alabama.

PPS: If you see Peyton, tell him that we said hi. We wear orange when we watch his games, too. (And thank him for being so easy to control on the Madden NFL 06 game.)

Thursday, August 25, 2005


after wooing date
she bites her husband's head off
violation games

Wednesday, August 24, 2005

Let the Truth be Known-

Uglyhoma has an ugly little secret.

Perhaps you've heard of the much touted University of Oklahoma football team. The Hater says the Sports Animal, a local radio station, plays lots of air-time to OU Football, OU anything. Occasionally they'll mention that Oklahoma State University has sports programs, too.

So last night I ask The Hater again why OU's mascot is the "Sooner". He explained to me that the wagons that people rode in during the land rush were lighter-weight, so they'd get there 'sooner' than the people in the heavy wagons.

Sure. Whatever. The mighty Conastogas! (I played the Oregon Trail on floppy disk when I was little; I remember the importance of a light-weight wagon when you're fording a river. And if you pick the banker instead of the farmer you'd have more money to buy supplies. You didn't have to purchase clothes because you'd meet people who would feel sorry for you and give you pelts to wear.)

And tonight I'm at a late work-dinner-meeting-thing, and the speaker asked what a Sooner was at the end of his speech. The room was amused that a Hoosier was interested. (Fresh blood to corrupt and all.)

Then the table where I was sitting started to talk about it. With my newfound knowledge, I explained that I knew why they were called Sooners -- because of the light-weight wagons. I felt very sure about my answer. After all, The Hater wouldn't set me up with false info.

Then they laughed.

Not a little chortle, mind you. They laughed like they really enjoied it.

And then they explained to me that during the land run the Sooners were the people who scouted and staked their land while everybody else was at the start line. "They were the early birds!" (Like the old couple in the movie 'Far and Away'.)

Wait, I said. They cheated?

Oh, no, they said. They didn't cheat. They just started before everybody else and got there Sooner. They seemed very sure and proud of their answers.

The Sooners left before everybody else, the honest people who waited for the shot that signaled it was time to go stake their land. They cheated. That makes Sooners cheaters.

I understand now. Sooners are cheaters.

This amuses me. I'll get plenty of mileage out of it.

I think tomorrow I'll wear some of my TN Vol scrubs to work. Then when I'm asked about why they're called the Volunteers, I'll tell them it's because of the citizens of the grand state who volunteered to fight and die in 1812. Then I'll mention the Alamo and the brick wall on the West corner of the LBG square that lists all of the names of the people who followed Davy Crockett. And that we have a legacy of honor and pride and patriotism, for doing the right thing and supporting our neighbors.

Not because we cheated when they were giving out free land.

(Does anybody really have to ask why they would give away land in this state?)

Tuesday, August 23, 2005

Tater Tots

This is the second time I'm posting this story. I accidently deleted the first version. I'm sure it was a blogger problem and not pilot failure.

The Hater is playing Madden NFL '06 on the XBox. My job is to google players to see where they went to college. This job is not so fun, I think. I was benched because the players I control tend to fumble, and turnovers are bad.

If Xbox had a Madden DCI '06 game, I'd let him play the triangle.

Today marks one week and two days at my new job. I'm liking it way beter than the other job. They think I'm quiet and sweet with occasional streaks of wit and sarcasm... man, are they in for big surprises!

They tease me for being a misplaced country girl.
And I make fun of Uglyhoma, so I guess it's fair...

So today one of the nurses was asking about how I met The Hater. We met on the debate team at MTSU, I said. She wanted to know where he was from. This is the conversation that followed:

me: He's from East Tennessee, south of Knoxville.
her: Is East TN different from West TN?
me: Way different. The state is divided into East, Middle, and West TN - by the river.
her: And you're from Middle TN?
me: Yes, the LBG.
her: How is East TN different from Middle TN?
me: Well, for starters it has mountains.
her: Does that make any difference?
me: Have you ever met any mountain people?
her: No.
me: I tease The Hater for being a 'mountain people'.
her: I don't get it.
me: Have you ever heard of Tellico Plains, TN? He grew up close to there.
her: No. Should I have?
me: Dileverance was filmed there.
her: Dileverance? (big, scared eyes)
me: Yeah, you know, squeal like a piggy.
her: (silence) (bigger, scareder eyes)

And her first non-shock, coherant statement?

her: Does he wear a baseball cap all the time?

Not does he play the banjo. Not do we frequent the Tellico River. Not does he have all of his teeth. Not does he wear shoes. But does he wear a baseball hat... all the time.

The Hater would like it known that he grew up thirty minutes from Tellico Plains. And although he has a baseball cap, he does not wear it all the time. And he, indeed, has all of his teeth, except the ones that were pulled when he had braces.

It could have even been forty-five minutes away, The Hater adds, and I could play the football game with him if I wanted.

And I don't have to tell all of our secrets.


This is a LBG ANTI-dote. No, not ANECdonte, and I'll tell you why... an anecdote is something you laugh at and an antidote is something that exists to make bad things go away. (You can thank me for your launguage lesson later.) Although I'm sure you'll find this amusing, its intent is not to amuse you. It is intended to make you glad that you can find humor in scary things... and if you're lucky enough to recognize this from an email in early 03, kudos to you.

And, no, I'm not feeling guilt about making fun of Uglyhoma. It makes fun of itself without my commentary...

LBG ANTI-dote #2068
Once upon a time when I was living in LBG, Mother sent me out to get groceries. On my way to Kroger I passed some interesting modes of transportation. Sister's favorites are the beat-up trucks that have been hand-painted camoflage. You know, for the deer and fish who are afraid of regular trucks. These are some famous LBG attractions. Personally, I get more excited when the skuzzy guys on the inside fox whistle and tobacco juice runs out the side of their mouth.
But it gets better! (Thus the motivation for the antidote...)
The last truck I passed was not painted in cammo. In fact, on the outside it looked like any other run-of-the-mill monstor truck, with one minor exception. REDNECK ROMEO was painted across the top of the windshield on purpose. Inside the truck, Romeo was driving. Juliette was sitting in the middle seat, latched onto Romeo's neck and chest like a snail to a fish tank. Romeo was wearing a Nascar ball cap and a plaid button-down (Juliette seemed confused by the buttons.). Juliette's bleach blonde hair (complete with the LBG-mandated 2 inch brunette roots) was permed and teased, and, unfortunately, I was too caught up in the rest of it to notice what shirt she was wearing. I'd bet it was something low-cut and lacy. Perhaps even a black bra under it. (I'd've said a red bra, but it was Sunday. Even LBG-ian rednecks have standards.)
The moral of this story becomes the ANTIdote. It's a simple plea to my friends. Please do not fall in love with rednecks and create more rednecks. Doing so would put the world in a downward-facing spiral: Trucks like these are distractions for drivers; more rednecks will yield more decorated trucks; more decorated trucks will mean more distractions; disctractions cause accidents; more accidents will mean more death; more death means civil war; more war means the fall of the US empire; North Korea will take advantage and nuke us; and we all know that saving the world from nuclear holocaust is a voter. (Can we say moral obligation?)
I implore you:
don't be swooned by Romeo's
Nascar hat and his Wranglers.
don't lose your hand in Juliette's hair.
Be strong.
LBG Undercover Insider

Monday, August 22, 2005

A Geography Lesson

The Hater and I have lived in Uglyhoma for two years. During this time I have noticed that the Uglyhoma educational system has done a lousy job teaching basic geography. This is evidenced by Oklahomans refering to their state as part of "the South".

I know. I laugh at that, too.

First and foremost, when you're dining out and order "sweet tea", the waitress brings unsweetened tea and points at the sweetner-packets on the table. No no no. Not the same. That's sacrilege.

Next, watch closely the next time you see the national weather forcast. The weatherperson will move from the northeastern states to the south -- and then they'll include Oklahoma with the midwest states (that is, if you can see it. Usually weatherpeople stand in front of Uglyhoma altogether. So if you need to know the weather, look online.)

Next, there's a little thing called 'southern hospitality'. This is different than regular hospitality. If you don't know the difference, my parents would be happy to show you. Come hungry.

Next, Uglyhoma wasn't even a state during the Civil War. (Skirmishes and forts don't count.)

Next, OKC is the home of the National Cowboy and Western Heritage Museum. Not the 'Southern Heritage Museum'. Either they're a western state - or maybe a southwestern state, but not to be considered as part of "the south".

Next, when pop culture refers to the hip-hop "dirrty South" or "crunk rap", they're talking about the new rise of rap artists from SOUTHERN states and cities. This includes Georgia, North Carolina, Mississippi, Tennessee, Texas, etc. Uglyhoma is not part of this discussion in the mainstream media or rap culture.

(Did someone mention culture? We won't go there.)

Next, think back to your fourth grade Social Studies class. Where did the cowboys go? Out West! (not down south)

Meanwhile, The Hater travelled with a group of Oklahomans to Atlanta. He mentioned to the desk clerks at the hotel that the people in his group thought Uglyhoma was part of the South, thus they were Southern. The three people behind the counter burst into laughter, "They think they from the South?" They laughed until they wiped tears.

Let's review:

Maybe Uglyhoma can be filed into the southern midwest region or the southwestern region, but it's hardly part of "the South". I've sent a letter to the local school board asking them to look into this educational discrepancy.

Coming Soon:

The Hater will be serving a warm glass of Haterade.

Observations on Sooner Football

and so it begins-

Seems like today is as good of a day as any to start a blog. It's peer pressure, you know.