Monday, September 25, 2006

litmus test

Angela over at Bold Contemplations has sparked a debate about Immortality. She has a neat blog that leads to discussion about different topics, both light-hearted and deeply significant.

The particular comments about immortality have made The Hater and myself remember some of the things we've talked about before: zombies. You know, what would the game plan be if the horrors of zombie movies came true. What would we take for weaponry, where would we try to go set up camp, how long could we go before we had to eat the cat... you know, serious discussions about the future.

One of the things we talked about in the past was what we referred to as the "Darwin litmus test". People who failed the litmus test were the people who wouldn't live longer than a month if the zombies walked the earth, the people who rely on outside medical resources (surgeries, medications, treatments) to be alive. A couple of days before my total thyroidectomy in April we talked about how I would soon fail the Darwin litmus test. This would be very serious if the zombies came, and thusly changed our zombie plan.

Here's our really rough game plan:

1. Go to the store and steal some better weapons. Specifically look for baseball bats, machettes, swords (if applicable), guns with ammo if they've not been stolen yet. Take knives from the apartment.

2. Find a team of good 'ole boys to help take over the Bass Pro Shop or Super Wal*Mart. It's important to note here that I'm a better shot than The Hater, and he thinks Bass Pro will have more ammo. But if I'm in charge of the shooting, the "one shot, one kill" strategy will, indeed, be intact. The Hater says he's better at strategy.

3. Darwin check: Stop by several pharmacies along the way and wipe-out their supplies of thyroid hormones. While there, attempt to steal narcotics, barbituates, antibiotics, antifungals, antivirals for future bartaring. The Hater thinks we'll be able to take thyroid hormones because they won't be in as big of demand as the other drugs. We'll report back as to how easy they were to take after all of this throws down.

4. No, Mom, this is not in any particular order: Call home quickly before phone lines are down. Give them the run-down on how to avoid zombie contamination. Promise to find a HAM radio or another form of contact. Promise to venture home after it's safe to travel again.

5. Reread the zombie survival guidebook. Convince good 'ole boys that we are important to have around.

The Hater says those are the most important immediate plans. I guess we'll just wing our secondary plan of attack when the time comes. All I'm saying is that I'm money with an M-16. So much so that Darwin himself might even say there are exceptions to the litmus test.


Anonymous said...


Angela said...

You might need your plan sooner than you think! Some visuals remind me of pictures and video from Hurricane Katrina -- minus the zombies of course!

genderist said...

Note to self: When calling home, remind Mom and Dad to call Vol Mom and update them to the zombie alert, too. :)

nicole said...

I don't think zombie-survival is based on medications and drugs. I think it's based on common sense -- which you and the Hater seem to have plenty of. ;)

Molly Jane said...

Common sense...and lots of drugs. This could also possibly be useful for alien invasion. You might want to email this to George Nory. I am printing this for my plastic baggied emergency file. Seriously, this is good.

Arielle said...

If such a time comes, can I buy some of those thyroid meds from you? Surely you will want all the green money I have since money will be invaluable then anyway right? I'm sure the good 'ole boys will take it. :P