ONLY YOU CAN PREVENT FORREST FIRES

This is a LBG ANTI-dote. No, not ANECdonte, and I'll tell you why... an anecdote is something you laugh at and an antidote is something that exists to make bad things go away. (You can thank me for your launguage lesson later.) Although I'm sure you'll find this amusing, its intent is not to amuse you. It is intended to make you glad that you can find humor in scary things... and if you're lucky enough to recognize this from an email in early 03, kudos to you.

And, no, I'm not feeling guilt about making fun of Uglyhoma. It makes fun of itself without my commentary...

LBG ANTI-dote #2068

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Once upon a time when I was living in LBG, Mother sent me out to get groceries. On my way to Kroger I passed some interesting modes of transportation. Sister's favorites are the beat-up trucks that have been hand-painted camoflage. You know, for the deer and fish who are afraid of regular trucks. These are some famous LBG attractions. Personally, I get more excited when the skuzzy guys on the inside fox whistle and tobacco juice runs out the side of their mouth.

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But it gets better! (Thus the motivation for the antidote...)

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The last truck I passed was not painted in cammo. In fact, on the outside it looked like any other run-of-the-mill monstor truck, with one minor exception. REDNECK ROMEO was painted across the top of the windshield on purpose. Inside the truck, Romeo was driving. Juliette was sitting in the middle seat, latched onto Romeo's neck and chest like a snail to a fish tank. Romeo was wearing a Nascar ball cap and a plaid button-down (Juliette seemed confused by the buttons.). Juliette's bleach blonde hair (complete with the LBG-mandated 2 inch brunette roots) was permed and teased, and, unfortunately, I was too caught up in the rest of it to notice what shirt she was wearing. I'd bet it was something low-cut and lacy. Perhaps even a black bra under it. (I'd've said a red bra, but it was Sunday. Even LBG-ian rednecks have standards.)

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The moral of this story becomes the ANTIdote. It's a simple plea to my friends. Please do not fall in love with rednecks and create more rednecks. Doing so would put the world in a downward-facing spiral: Trucks like these are distractions for drivers; more rednecks will yield more decorated trucks; more decorated trucks will mean more distractions; disctractions cause accidents; more accidents will mean more death; more death means civil war; more war means the fall of the US empire; North Korea will take advantage and nuke us; and we all know that saving the world from nuclear holocaust is a voter. (Can we say moral obligation?)

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I implore you:

Ladies,

don't be swooned by Romeo's

Nascar hat and his Wranglers.

Gentlemen,

don't lose your hand in Juliette's hair.

Be strong.

LBG Undercover Insider