Wednesday, October 04, 2006


Hump day has brought us the lighter side of cancer. I've been googling around, looking for more exciting things to post in honor of breast cancer awareness month. And, even better, I've found some cancer funnies... to the tune of some top 10 lists...

And, yes, they're slightly low-brow.
And, yes, it's totally okay to laugh.
Laughter gets us through those hard days.
(And, yes, it's okay if you need me to explain why some of them are funny...)
Top 10 Pick-up Lines for Cancer Patients
10. A night with me is better than chemo.
9. Is there Heparin running through my veins or is it hot in here?
8. I've got a scar shaped like a hickey-- How about giving me a real one?
7. What's your diagnosis? I'm a Cancer...
6. It's not just my head that's bald, you know...
5. Is treatment lowering your basal body temperature? Because you sure are cool.
4. Hey, baby, let's go back to my place and compare scars.
3. You must have lost all your hair, because you are smoooooth!
2. Let's go back to my hospital room: you play doctor and I'll be the nurse.
1. Is that a chemo pump in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?
Cancer personals: "Bald druggie seeks SO for hook-ups, incisions and full body scans. I'm used to getting "special" treatment, but my port is always easy access."

Sometimes people want to talk cancer...
Top 10 Ways to Stimulate the Cancer Conversation
10. I'm trying out for the lead in the Broadway version of the movie Powder.
9. (for testicular patients getting a prosthesis) Do these come in brass?
8. All this radiation, and I don't glow in the dark yet? What a gyp!
7. It's 11am, and so far I've been stabbed, felt-up, and drugged. How's your day going, doc?
6. Does this port make me look fat?
5. I got cancer, but I think it's broke and I want to return it.
4. My other tracksuit is in the wash.
3. Just call me Dandelion-head. Make a wish and blow.
2. Eyebrows are so last season.
1. Okay, guess which breast is the real one!
And sometimes you're tired of talking about cancer...
Top 10 Ways to Cut the Cancer Conversation Short
10. Yeah, well, I was getting sick of my haircut- so I figured, why not?
9. You should see how many presents I got. It was totally worth it.
8. Chemo is a great way to lose weight.
7. People are a lot nicer when they think you might die.
6. It was a perfect opportunity to get caught up on all my soaps.
5. Yeah it sucked, but look at this bad-ass scar!
4. How else do you think I got into college? They can't turn down a cancer survivor!
3. Now I get to wear this trendy yellow bracelet.
2. I don't really remember it. I was too drunk most of the time.
1. It's okay. I didn't have anything scheduled for that year anyway.
(submitted by Annie W., 21 yr. old- 10 month Hodgkin's survivor)
And in officiall honor of thinking pink:
Top 10 Benefits of Getting Breast Cancer
10. Time off work with no lies and no guilt.
9. Men in white coats are groping your breasts - and you're okay with that.
8. The ex is sweet to you.
7. Lose 10 pounds overnight without giving up wine and queso.
6. Your new boobs will face the horizon, not the South Pole.
5. Bonus: The new models will be paid for by insurance.
4. You become a noxiously avid advocate for mammograms.
3. Halter tops are a fashion option for the first time since 1972.
2. You get all the good stuff -- letters, books, emails, calls, flowers, cookies, stuffed animals, casseroles, offers to take care of the kids, calls from people you've not heard from since before you had breasts -- all without having to die.
1. You realize how many wonderful people there are in the world and feel so blessed to know them.
My personal favorites:
Top 10 Responses to Nosy Questions about Scars
10. Never go to Mother's Tatoo Parlor when you're high.
9. You think that's bad, you should see the exit wound.
8. I self-mutilate. Don't you?
7. Those damn flesh-eating bacteria are spreading, slowly but surely.
6. That's where the government put the chip to track my movements.
5. It's the only way to smuggle drugs these days.
4. What scar? What are you talking about? Oh my lands! THAT'S HUGE!!
3. I had to sell organs to get off the street.
2. I should have listened when Mom said not to scratch that mosquito bite.
1. That's where my Siamese twin was attached.
(of course, usually I answer my blatent stares with:
* You should've seen the other guy.
* You know, in some cultures it's rude to stare at people.
* Did I ever tell you about becoming a Samurai warrior?
* My husband and I really get turned on by our own blood. Is that strange?
or some other random off-the-cuff comment)

The Top Ten Lists were totally ripped from Planet Cancer. There are others there, too, if you want some more cancer funnies. I wasn't very familiar with their page, but I've really enjoied diving into it lately.

Another really cool cancer site out of Tulsa is aptly named Cancer Sucks. They're a self-proclaimed "charity with an attitude".

We're still thinking pink! Have you done your breast self exam this month? Have you had your mammogram this year? Cool people hate breast cancer.

1 comment:

nicole said...

Okay, that first batch of lines is WAY better than the ones most guys pass out in bars!