Monday, August 23, 2010

it's football time in Tennessee, we hope

We would like to address football in the state of Tennessee. It is, after all, that time of year again.

Dear Coach Dooley:

You've not really had the opportunity to meet us yet. We're your big orange fans in Uglyhoma. Since you're new we really don't have much critique to share, yet, but that will most likely change with time. No offense intended, that's just how the ball bounces.

We would like to wish you best of luck on your first season as the head coach of our Vols. We loved your press conferences; you always seem to say the right thing to the media. We hope that your sentiments carry over to the field.

We know the first couple of seasons will be rocky. (They don't call it Rocky Top for nothin'.) Know that no matter what happens the first few seasons, we will support you. We acknowledge that you have a big mess to clean up (Kiffin + Fulmer).

You're an SEC guy, and we love that. We also love the way you've handled players and discipline issues so far. We hope to love your offense and defense just as much.

We're hopeful. Word has it that east TN is hoping for 7 wins. We'd of course like to see that, but we're also a house divided. The Hater would be okay with that. I, on the other hand, would be happy with a clean 6-6, or a not shabby 5-7.

We're eager to see where you're going to take the program. Take care of our boys.

The Hater and genderist
and Baby and Zoloft the cat

And in other news... a letter we've always talked about doing but never have done is to the Titan franchise...

Dear Titans Owners, Coaches and Players:

The second half of our year last year was great. We're looking forward to this season.

We know the defense won't be as strong as years past. But the offense looks like it's going to be better than it has been in years. We have the best RB in the NFL, a good group of young receivers, a great offensive line, so the key is really Vince Young (no pressure).

This is the last year of Vince's contract, and we're hoping for a breakout season. When he was signed four years ago The Hater said that we were on the "five year plan" to the Superbowl. Vince, don't let us down. You looked good at the end of the last season and you're playing well in the preseason.

Note to our defense: Play smart. Someone will step up and fill that right DE. We hope the secondary will improve; that will be key to a successful season.

We look forward to seeing a few of Fisher's trademark trick plays!

Thanks for making our Sundays more exciting.

The Hater, genderist, Baby and Zoloft the cat

It's not football time if we don't acknowledge the greatest QB of all time...

Dear Peyton Manning:

You can do no wrong. I think you are awesome.

Please don't take it personally that you're not my FF QB. You were gone before I had a chance to take you for my team.

If we can't cheer for the Titans our #2 team to support is the Colts. When you play each other I cheer for you and The Hater cheers for the Titans.


One more note, because SERIOUSLY, someone should say it...

Dear Bret Farve:

I have never in my life seen such a whiny, needy, attention-craving crybaby of an old man.

It's poor sportsmanship to hold a franchise hostage, and that's exactly what you've done the last several years.

I'm going to retire.
No, wait, I'm not.
Oh, yeah, I think I'm going to retire.
Okay, I'll come back, but this will be my last season.
Maybe after I skip all the preseason workouts and practices.
How come there are no reporters calling me this summer? Where's the tv crews? I'll fix that!
No, never mind, I'm going to retire.
I'll come back if you send teammates to fly to Mississippi to beg me and offer me extra money.
But it's not about the money. I'm a country boy who wears Wranglers and throws the pigskin.
Aw, shucks, folks, I just want to play football.
No, wait, I'm going to retire.
Okay, you talked me out of it.
Well, Idunno, maybe? Let me shoot a commercial with my wife first.
This is going to be my last season. For real this time...

Give me a break. You're press grubbing like Paris Hilton and it's not becoming of you.

I'm not saying you're too old and shouldn't play anymore. You don't need me to tell you that you had a good season last year. I'm just saying you need to man up and make decisions. Don't be tacky and hold franchises hostage. You're just not cool enough for that to be an okay thing to do.

I'm still going to root against you because I think you're a douche bag for your flip-flopping.

genderist and The Hater

PS: It makes me laugh when you throw interceptions. Please keep doing that.


Kelly said...

Haha! Although, the husband and I are like the LEAST sports oriented people in the world...

Cerulean Bill said...

I know squat about football, but even I know that you're spot-on about Bret....

Molly said...

Well said on all fronts!

Go Wildcats!

Anonymous said...

I can't believe what I'm reading here. Out west here we did appreciate the volunteers help with the Alamo. They were an okay bunch of guys. Those days are over. I know the SEC is a pretty good conference and it has a few good teams; it has even had a couple of outstanding coaches

What put me on the other side of the fence with Tennessee is not your football team, they've always tried hard and I used to pull for them once in a while. It's their basketball team and the coach they had when my team was making a run for the big four or something a few years ago.

I agree with you on Bret Favre. He's been a little whinny the last few years,

If you were lecturing on say, drugs and how to account for them in a health environment, I would expect to see and hear you demonstrate a level of competency, knowledge, and expertise, but football of all things. Whatever is the world coming to?