Wednesday, August 15, 2007

wine vs water: a primer

In a number of carefully controlled trials, scientists have demonstrated that if we drink 1 liter of water each day, at the end of the year we would have absorbed more than 1 kilo of Escherichia coli, (E. coli) bacteria found in feces. In other words, we are consuming 1 kilo of Poop Per Year (ppy).

You may remember seeing E. coli in the news with all of the dirty spinich salad mixes in the last year or so. Americans suddenly realized that "organic" means "grown in poop", and lessons they had been taught about actually washing fruits and vegetables before you eat them really hit home. Every so many years you'll also see big E. coli scares at local water parks, and The Hater has driven past enough of them with me in the car that now before I can speak he will point and say, "That's where E. coli lives."

That's right, honey. E. coli is not our friend. Snacking on spinich salads and swimming at White Water Bay will significantly increase your personal ppy consumption.

However, we do NOT run the risk of E. coli consumption when drinking wine (or Tennessee whiskey) because alcohol has to go through a purification process of boiling, filtering and/or fermenting, usually several times before it gets to the bottle.

Remember: Water = Poop, Wine = Health

Therefore, it's better to drink wine and talk stupid, than to drink water and be full of shit. There is no need to thank me for this valuable information: I'm doing it as a public service.

It was no accident that Jesus' first miracle was turning water into wine, my friends. Carpe diem.


Anonymous said...

Once again, you made my day! VolMom

Molly Jane said...

This is genius. Pure genius. I still use the water-to-wine line when I drink and fondly think of you. And my tolerance is just as high as it was 7 years ago.

Mommavia said...

That's right...water is bad for you, but alcohol is fantastic. I will have to use that one next time I am caught with an open container...I mean if I am ever caught with an open container ;-)

Jim-Bo-Rama said...

This is bloody brilliant advice! Off to fill up the water bottles with wine...!

bill said...

Heck with carpe diem. Carpe vino!

Kate said...

Excellent. I shall have to go stock up. :)

Anonymous said...

If the water we drank had that much e coli in it, it would appear cloudy. Also, if our treatment plants were letting that much e coli go through, they would neccessarily be letting a lot of other living bacteria and contaminants go through as well, and our kitchen sinks would smell like a hippie's toilet ("If it's yellow, let it mellow; if it's brown, flush it down.")

As for beer, wine and liquor - look them up on the web you will will find these drinks are filled with contaminants.

Water - when processed by the average water treatment facility - is cleaner.

Sorry for the buzz-kill.

genderist said...

Dude, this isn't a serious post. Get off your high horse and have another glass.