toilets that spit

There had been a story in my head that I wanted to complain about a certain aspect of public bathrooms, especially the stalls that are so small that you have to walk in and your pants leg touches the toilet in order for you to shut the door. That's so utterly gross to me that I now have a mental note in my head of restaurants whose Ladies' Room I refuse to use on that principle alone.

And these aren't low-key eating establishments, either. We're talking real chain restaurants.

This can't just affect me. The last time I noticed this I pulled out my handy tape measure in my purse (the one that Mom was sure I needed in my Christmas stocking) to see for myself what kind of clearance they had created. Two inches. TWO INCHES. I don't care if you're a skinny skinny girl, in order to use that stall and shut the door, you're going to have to brush against the public toilet.

Gross me out.

But I think I've found a new gross that's grosser than that gross. This, in fact, could be the grossest of all.*

This afternoon while still at work I decided to make a pit stop in a restroom I don't usually use. I was trying to be spontaneous. After I had pulled and tied my pants back up I turned around to flush the toilet. And that's when it happened.

It spit on me. On my arm. From my wrist to my elbow, and I'm sure some of it got on my scrubs. And not clean water, mind you -- I'm talking about pee water that I had just deposited, not to mention whatever else was growing in there from the last time it had been cleaned.

I stood there for a moment, just a little shocked. Had that seriously just happened? Was it after the clean water had been exchanged? The scientist in me flushed again to verify -- and yes, indeedy, it was BEFORE the clean water entered the bowl. I had, indeed, been unintentionally baptized by pee water.

I immediately ran to the sink, washing both arms over my elbows. Three times. The whole point of pee'ing in a toilet is so that I don't have to wear it, yet that's exactly what I ended up doing anyways.

So now I have a new boycott list in my brain as it pertains to public bathrooms. I will share them with you as part of my duty to provide important Public Service Announcements:

1. No stalls that require you to get up close and personal with the toilet in order to shut the door.
2. If it smells so bad your eyes water, hold it until you get home.
3. If the toilet plunger is obviously soiled and sitting in the sink, hold it until you get home.
4. No toilets that spit.

This is not a static list and will be updated on an as-needed basis.




* Grossest of all: I changed my mind. The grossest of all is when you're in the bathroom with strangers and they don't wash their hands after they have used the facilities... and then walk back to their table to help feed their kid. The Hater always likes to come back from the restroom reporting who did not wash their hands after using the urinal. (This takes place right before he braggs on himself for washing his hands.)