Thursday, August 30, 2007

it's that time of year again

We're so excited about football season that we're going to a high school game tonight. We're going to be rooting for the home team, so it shoud be fun. It's the first game of the season, so we're hoping to see a lot of energy and some exciting plays.

Obviously this weekend we'll be watching the Vols play. We're excited that we'll be getting it, so we absolutely have to watch it. It's the first Vol game in the new house, which means we'll be able to blast Rocky Top as loud as we want without worrying about the neighbors.

And we can, too, because I have it on my Ipod.

We've been playing the Madden football video game almost every night. We've drafted a team and The Hater calls plays and is the QB. I like to be the RB (Stephen Jackson, who is the bombdotcom) or WR (Wes Welker, who never drops the ball). For defense, The Hater switches around to different players, but I always play DE (Jared Allen, who is so good that I have to be at least double-teamed to keep me from sacking the QB). Our record is 8-2 (the first game we lost by 30 points and the other game we lost by one point).

The Hater wants to point out that we were still learning how to use the controls on the game we lost by 30+ points. It was brutal... we had about a dozen turnovers that game.

We hope the real Titans don't have as hard of a time during the real season as we've had with the game. (Although we sure wouldn't complain about an 8-2 record!)

The parts of our yard where grass is growing is starting to look like a jungle. We'll have to mow and trim between all of the exciting games. If we get really adventurous we'll stain the rest of the fence, too.

But we have to keep our priorities in line - it is, after all, football time in Tennessee.

Orange you a Vol?

Monday, August 27, 2007

we have a laptop

... but I'm not allowed to play on it yet.

The Hater is "fixing" it, which means that he's told it to do something (and now we're waiting for it to do it). Maybe I'll get to play with it after the new has worn off... You know, maybe after Christmas.

He'll say, "You could have played with it tongiht, except that it was downloading yadda yadda yadda."

Meanwhile, Zoloft has climbed behind me in her new favorite seat in the house -- between whoever is sitting at the desk and their chair. So much for the scardey cat... apparently sitting behind us isn't as scary as sitting in our laps.

Friday, August 24, 2007

this day in history

Ladies and Gentlemen, this is a big day in history. This post is about a Republican, AND there will be no finger pointing or name calling. Fred Thompson is a good 'ole boy from LBG, and he's bringing the press home.

In an article run on August 20th in the Los Angelas Times, whispers are getting louder about Fred running for Republican nomination for President in 2008. Talk about small town boy makin' it big in the city...

But Fred isn't exactly "small town"... He may have graduated with people in my family at the same high school where I later graduated, but he's been around. He's not called LBG home since the 60s.

That sure doesn't keep us from calling him one of our own. Every time I see him acting I tell The Hater, "That's Fred. He's from LBG. We met once; I know him." In his famous Acting Career you'll see that he was even nominated for "Outstanding Performance by an Ensemble in a Drama Series" for the Screen Actors Guild Awards. As an aside, Fred pales in comparison to the 4 awards won by Ronald Regan , including a Golden Boot, Golden Globe, a star on the walk of fame, and the Razzie "Worst Career Achievement Award".

It's really going to gag my parents when I call them this weekend and ask them to pick me up some of the "Ready for Freddie" paraphernalia on the square. But come on, we met once; I know him!

I have no idea if Fred will declare, what his platform will be, or what his chances are of getting the Republican nomination for President. I can't say that I'll carry his flag - because I'll end up pointing out the idiocy of whoever is elected. But I am hopeful:

* that he'll make an effort to get some much needed press and people to LBG-- at least that he'll do a better job doing this than when he was Senator

* that anything would be better than status quo

* that despite all of the political mumbo-jumbo, people who run for President really want to do the right thing to bring peace to the world

* that there is an element of magic to the rigamaroll that I don't always understand (see post titled "green shag carpet")

Fred, party affiliation aside, I'm tickled pink that you're considering taking on such a massive, important responsibility. Remember your humble beginnings, values and moral obligations that I know you learned while growing up in small town Lawrenceburg. Please make us proud to say that we know you.

HT: Vol Abroad

Thursday, August 23, 2007

bein' bad

We've been bad about remembering to post this week, but we have some colorful reasons why:

1. The Hater had to get ready for another year. We cleaned his office with some cleaner he found at the $ store. It ended up taking the hide off of both his and my right hands. The Hater learned how to exfoliate. It was good times with dry, scaly hands. Seriously, it looked like old people skin. But we're back to normal now. Next year we will use gloves.

2. Sister's wedding pictures... Still a fiasco! My extra time has been spent working on the photo album for her. I'm using the BookSmart program, which gags me about every other day. But it looks better than the iPhoto Mac program, so I'm trying to lump it. I hope to have it finished by this weekend, so then Sister can look online at how fancy it turned out to be. We'll also be able to order them, etc.

3. Work has been crazy for both of us. So when we come home, we want to avoid the computer.

4. Zoloft has been extra pitiful and needy for attention and love.

Meanwhile, Uglyhoma has had a really wet year. That alone isn't the newsflash... but we've had 42+ inches of rain this year. It's #10 in the top ten wettest years since they've been keeping track of it. They expect we'll be in the number 4 or 5 slot by the end of the year, especially if it keeps raining as much as it has been.

We're expecting more this weekend.

This makes our next big project more difficult: doing the stain/water sealant on the fence in the back yard. So that project may not get started for a while. We've got plenty of other things that need to do be done, anyhow. (Like paying attention to the boxes we've been ignoring for a month!)

Wednesday, August 15, 2007

wine vs water: a primer

In a number of carefully controlled trials, scientists have demonstrated that if we drink 1 liter of water each day, at the end of the year we would have absorbed more than 1 kilo of Escherichia coli, (E. coli) bacteria found in feces. In other words, we are consuming 1 kilo of Poop Per Year (ppy).

You may remember seeing E. coli in the news with all of the dirty spinich salad mixes in the last year or so. Americans suddenly realized that "organic" means "grown in poop", and lessons they had been taught about actually washing fruits and vegetables before you eat them really hit home. Every so many years you'll also see big E. coli scares at local water parks, and The Hater has driven past enough of them with me in the car that now before I can speak he will point and say, "That's where E. coli lives."

That's right, honey. E. coli is not our friend. Snacking on spinich salads and swimming at White Water Bay will significantly increase your personal ppy consumption.

However, we do NOT run the risk of E. coli consumption when drinking wine (or Tennessee whiskey) because alcohol has to go through a purification process of boiling, filtering and/or fermenting, usually several times before it gets to the bottle.

Remember: Water = Poop, Wine = Health

Therefore, it's better to drink wine and talk stupid, than to drink water and be full of shit. There is no need to thank me for this valuable information: I'm doing it as a public service.

It was no accident that Jesus' first miracle was turning water into wine, my friends. Carpe diem.

Sunday, August 12, 2007

king of the castle

We have an hour until our fantasy draft takes place, and we're excited.

Our royal idiocy was showing tonight because we were thinking that we would have to go to his work and use two computers to be able to both draft. It was only during supper when we thought about opening two windows (tabs) on the same computer and drafting off of one unit. Last year we had to use two computers because both of our computers were slow, but we're thinking that we can make it work with one.

If it doesn't work, we'll have a lot of trading to do next week.

I'm sorry to everybody who wanted to play, but waited too late to join the league. There's always next year, and I will listen to all of the suggestions that people want to offer.

The Hater and I will be in the same division of the league, which means we won't both be able to go to the play-offs. If we're going to lose, we'd rather lose to each other - maybe one of us will dominate the division and win the Super Bowl ring this year. That would be nice, I think. If I win again, I'll probably let The Hater wear my ring so that we both will have one.

It's almost time for real football, and we're excited. Actually, we're welcoming football season with open arms.

The XBox NFL Madden football game comes out Tuesday, and we're looking forward to playing that together this week. We have planned out supper for the week to maximize playing the game. The Hater calls plays and controls the QB. I control the RB/WR and like to play DE or DT on defense so I can try to sack the QB. The best part of the game is that we get to play it together - and bring the Titans to the Super Bowl.

Friday, August 10, 2007

pulling rank in the LIVESTRONG Army

Do you hate cancer? I do.

Lance and I are in cahoots again. He’s been sending me emails the last few days. For the sake of the cause, I don’t think he’ll mind me sharing the highlights with you.

How is the next commander-in-chief going to fight the number one killer of Americans under 85?

I am no longer content to let the cancer question go unanswered.

That is why the Lance Armstrong Foundation is hosting the first-ever LIVESTRONG Presidential Cancer Forum to make sure our next President knows that Americans across the country expect cancer to be a national priority. In Cedar Rapids, Iowa, on August 27 and 28, we will ask Democratic and Republican presidential candidates to go on the record with their plans to fight cancer.

As a member of the LIVESTRONG Army—and a leader in the fight against cancer—I need you to be part of the LIVESTRONG Presidential Cancer Forum, demanding answers to the cancer question. Here’s how you can get involved:

Get your tickets. The LIVESTRONG Presidential Cancer Forum is open to the public, and tickets are free. Quantities are limited and will be distributed on a first-come, first-serve basis.

Submit your questions. Lance Armstrong and MSNBC Hardball host Chris Matthews will ask candidates questions from the public.

Spread the word. Ask friends and colleagues to sign the LIVESTRONG Army petition to make it clear that our next President must be prepared to answer the cancer question.

As of this week, Democratic candidates Senator Hillary Clinton, Senator John Edwards and Governor Bill Richardson have confirmed their participation for the Democratic LIVESTRONG Presidential Candidate Forum on August 27. Republican candidates Senator Sam Brownback, Governor Mike Huckabee and Governor Tommy Thompson have confirmed their participation in the Republican LIVESTRONG Presidential Candidate Forum on August 28.

The goal is to get rid of this disease forever. The LIVESTRONG Presidential Cancer Forum gives all Americans the opportunity to ask the candidates “What's your plan? And where does cancer fit into your policies?" Together, as the LIVESTRONG Army, we can put an end to cancer.

It is possible to stop this disease, but we are not making it a priority or applying the resources needed to stop cancer from killing 560,000 people each year.

That is why the Lance Armstrong Foundation is hosting the first-ever LIVESTRONG Presidential Cancer Forum to make sure our next President knows that Americans across the country expect cancer to be a national priority.

Sign the LIVESTRONG Army petition today to show all presidential candidates that they must make the fight against cancer a priority of their administration.

The LIVESTRONG Presidential Cancer Forum offers a unique opportunity to make cancer part of the national dialogue by asking the presidential candidates to go on the record with their plans to fight the disease. The Forum will be co-hosted by MSNBC’s Chris Matthews and me , and will be a historic event that puts cancer on the same national stage as other tough questions our country faces.

The LIVESTRONG Army petition will make it clear that our next President must be prepared to answer the cancer question. Join me and thousands of other Americans in demanding answers to the cancer question by signing the LIVESTRONG Army petition today.


and me, genderist

Thursday, August 09, 2007


I had very good intentions to leave work today at 2pm... because I stayed so late on Monday night.

I'm on salary now, and have been told there are no blue ribbons for working overtime. So... I was going to leave early today and tomorrow. At least that was the plan.

I ended up leaving at 3pm instead.

Which means tomorrow I'll leave at 1pm to make it come out even.

Things that are hard to say and do:
* I won't eat lunch at my desk.
* I will leave after an 8 hour day, despite how much work I have yet to do.
* When the 40 hour week is over, I quit until Monday.

But I'm really trying to learn. And that's where I am right now.

Wednesday, August 08, 2007

technical difficulties

The cable guy came to install the internet and phone (land line) service to the house. He hacked and coughed and claimed to have bronchitis. He hadn't been here long before he was hacking and coughing and telling us how the satellite people "ruined the Smart Box" by running their cords the wrong way.

He went into much more detail than that, but he might as well have been speaking in tongues because I had no clue what he was saying. It reminded me of learning about different types of intelligences. Not so much kinesthetic intelligence or emotional intelligence, but intelligence towards more practical things. For example, medical intelligence. Even educated people can have a hard time reading and understanding medical literature. It's a different language altogether, and if you don't speak the language, it's hard to understand.

In the realms of technical intelligence and computerized intelligence, I consider myself to be above average. I don't know C++, but I am the person in the office who is called when computers lock up or when cell phones need to be reprogramed. Tech I get.

However, I function at a basic electrical intelligence. Basic as in I would be riding the short bus to electrical school. Basic as in "See Tip run." You know, don't touch fallen wires, raw wires sticking out are bad, and call other people if you have questions about said wires. That's why we have electricians!

The only time I think I would need to know how to play with wires is if I had to hot wire a car. Mind you, I have no idea how to hot wire a car, but I'm sure I could figure it out if I had instructions to direct me. You know, to flee from zombies.* If you're interested in learning how to hot-wire a car to flee from zombies, see the link below. (I would hyperlink it, but Blogger and the Mac don't play well together.)

So anyway, the cable guy instructs The Hater what to say to the satelite people before he leaves, coughing and hacking.

Hooray, after two months we have the internet.
Boo, to get it we lost the satelite signal.

Ladies and Gentlemen- I am finally blogging from home. The Hater is playing video games as we wait for the satelite people to come fix the cluster they created the first time they piddled with the wires. Maybe we should call an electrician.

* Mom insisted I learn how to drive a straight shift when I learned how to drive. I think this is because BigDaddy made her do it when she was young. Although she was insistant that this take place, and she had a car where I could learn, she refused to sit shot-gun to my learning curve or let me drive her car. It was actually Obmij who taught me to drive a stick in the field behind our house, where we jerked and coughed across the orchard. One night I asked why I was learning to drive a stick when she wasn't going to let me drive her VW Bug and the other cars were automatics. She said, "What will you do if there's an emergency and you have to drive away in a straight shift?" I answered, "That would mean that I was stealing a car, and as long as I'm stealing a car, I'd steal an automatic instead." Straight shift lessons in the back yard stopped the next week.

* Prepare yourself for zombie warfare:

Monday, August 06, 2007

how not to start a Monday

genderist: (on phone) We have a Trigger emergency. (Trigger is the truck.)
The Hater: Oh, no.
genderist: Oh, yes. I’ve driven to work and pulled into a parking place, and I can’t get the key out of the ignition.
The Hater: What do you mean?
genderist: I can’t get it out. The radio comes on, but I can’t get everything to turn off. I can’t get it to crank, either. I can’t leave the key in the ignition or it’ll drain the battery, but I can’t get it out, either.
The Hater: Give me a minute to get dressed and I’ll come look at it.
genderist: Let me call home first and see if Dad had any problems with the truck first.

(call to home)

genderist: Dad, there’s trouble in paradise. Trigger won’t give me the key back.
Mom: (in the background because all phone calls home are answered over speaker phone so that everybody can have an opinion) That’s happened to mine, too!
Dad: Okay, there are some things we can try.
genderist: Dad, I’ve tried everything I know to do. (run-through of all of the brilliant things I tried before I called anybody)
Dad: Look at the gear shift. Is it in park?
genderist: (looks down) (shifts to park) (key pulls easily out of ignition)
You’ve got to be kidding me.
Dad: Was it in park?
genderist: Gag. Thanks , Dad. Your check is in the mail. (all laughing)

(call back to The Hater)

The Hater: I’m almost dressed; I can be there in about 8 minutes.
genderist: Dad fixed Trigger. You don’t need to come anymore.
The Hater: Really? What was wrong with it?
genderist: Pilot failure.*
The Hater: What?
genderist: It wasn’t in park.
The Hater: Gag. I’m going back to bed.

(I was gagged, too, and I also I wanted to go back to bed. This was a sign that I wasn't ready for a Monday yet.)

* "Pilot failure" is what BigDaddy would tell Nana when she would have problems with the car and have him to come get her in town. Usually this would happen after Nana would get into an identical car (grandmother grey boat) and wonder why her key did not fit. BigDaddy would usually be grossed out, but really liked to tell 'pilot failure' stories after cook-outs. I'm thinking that I've inherited an autosomal-recessive pilot failure gene from my Nana. Also, if it's possible for people to look down from Heaven and observe the lives of their loved ones, I think BigDaddy would have gotten a big kick out of the continued legacy of "pilot failure" before he went back to fishing the sweet spot.

Friday, August 03, 2007

prolific begging

Last night I stayed up far too late, but it was with the best of intentions, so I’m hoping that my body will forgive me today. I am so excited this morning I can hardly stand it! If you can keep a secret, I’ll tell you why. If you can’t keep a secret, shame on you.

Sister had disposable cameras on the tables at her wedding. All I’ve heard about the pictures is that “they’re just awful” and other such disappointing comments. I had instructed them to also get the picture CD to mail to me in addition to the prints they ordered.

The CDs arrived in the mail yesterday. Many of them were fuzzy and half of them were just bad pictures… but the program on our fabulous Mac let me enhance them and fix the color on many of the washed-out ones, on top of removing red eyes and the other typical photoshop tricks. They’re no longer “just awful”. If I go through and crop some of them, nobody will be able to tell that they started off caddy-wompus. We’ll declare art nouveau on the pictures where people aren’t looking at the camera. It’ll be fine. I was able to keep about 95 pictures off of 12 rolls that were previously declared bad.

And then I realized that I was already up late, and I’d already feel bad because of it, so I might as well go ahead and upload the 100+ pictures from our digital camera into the computer, too.

And what, pray tell, will we do with all of these pictures? Fantastic question!

At the beginning of the year Vol Abroad suggested I compile a photo book with pictures from Sister’s wedding. She’s had great results with the books she’s done with this company, so we had toyed with the idea of making one, too. It was going to depend on the volume and quality of pictures we had to work with, which now is starting to look promising.

After Sister’s wedding I asked everyone who had digital cameras to email me their pictures. I told them about this project that I was hoping to complete for Christmas. Actually, I was somewhat worried that I would not have enough storage in my email for all of these pictures, but that wasn’t a problem because NOBODY has emailed me anything yet. Not even Memphis.


To make everything seem even more important, Sister has still not received any of the shots that THE PHOTOGRAPHER took at her wedding. That’s been another can of worms, she says. Before the wedding, the photographer told her it would be two weeks before she would have the proofs. Sister said that would be okay. Three weeks after the wedding, Sister called the photographer to ask about their status. Sister reports that the photographer was snitty and said she would call when they were ready. When Sister reminded her that they were supposed to be done the week before, the photographer became more agitated and told her it would be at least two more weeks. That would be this week, as in today, two weeks later. Sister is afraid that her photographer has pooped out, and for now the only pictures she has from her wedding are snapshots that her friends took during the ceremony and the “just awful” pictures from the disposable cameras.

I asked for permission to call the photographer to talk about breaches of contract, and Sister told me it wasn’t time for that yet. She just wants the pictures from her wedding, and I don’t blame her. That’s worse than poor.

It’s her wedding, for goodness sake.

The Hater says that we’re supposed to get the internet next week. When that happens and I’m able to start this project, I will be making many pleading phone calls. If you do not want to hear me beg, PLEASE go ahead and email me those pictures.

Pretty please with powdered sugar and Neyland Stadium on top.

Thursday, August 02, 2007

fantasy football time in Tennessee

The Hater says that we will be getting a phone land line and internet next week. We’re so excited! We’ll have to get back into the habit of thinking of stories that we can blog.

Meanwhile, our fantasy football draft date (August 12th) is quickly approaching! We are short 5 people in our league. If you would like to play with us, let me know and I’ll email you an invitation. We are playing for serious bragging rights.

If you win then, you, too, can join the greats before you like me and Peyton (Both of us won our first Super Bowl rings last year, which made it even more special for both of us!). You, too, will have a beautiful fantasy Super Bowl ring to show all of your friends. You, too, can go down forever in the fantasy football Hall of Fame. You, too, will be the envy of all your friends.

This is neither the time chunk a Hail Mary nor to chance running the option. On the hike, trust your line and rush the middle to take the lead for your team. This is what you've been training for. This is football.

The fantasy season quickly approaches, and the clock is running. Are you ready?

Do you want to play? Now’s your chance to manage the big leagues without taking the hits! We need 5 people to complete our league, but we can add more! No experience, talent, or calisthenics required. Come play with us!